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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29506635">I Wish It was Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/acecereal/pseuds/acecereal'>acecereal</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Queen's Gambit (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Childhood Friends, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:08:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,135</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29506635</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/acecereal/pseuds/acecereal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You look at me like I'm someone<br/>You only need when it goes wrong<br/>But you look at him like he's your missing piece<br/>And, darling, I wish it was me”<br/>- I Wish It Was Me, Etham</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benny Watts/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>With Benny</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Wish It was Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>1947.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The seven year old chess prodigy, Benny, was sitting side by side next to his best friend, Rose, on the couch in the living room of Benny’s childhood home. They were watching television or more like Rose was staring at the television while obviously daydreaming and Benny was observing her, studying her soft facial features. They had been best friends for a year ever since Rose’s family became his neighbors. He was more than glad to be her friend ever since she knocked on his house’s door and asked him if he could play with her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They spent most of the day together, going to the same school and playing together in the afternoon. Unfortunately, recently, a lot of Benny’s time had been occupied with chess training. His parents discovered that he was good at the chess game a couple of months earlier. They called him a ‘prodigy’ (whatever that means, he didn’t know) just because he beat a few old dudes at the game. While Benny enjoyed playing and studying chess, he still thought it was unfortunate that the time he spent with his best friend started becoming scarce.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, it was an understatement to say that Benny was glad he was wasting the Friday afternoon, leaning on the sofa while swinging his thin legs and gawking at his best friend. Rose took a while to notice him staring at her and she turned her head to meet his gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” He asked her, feigning innocence. She tilted her head to the side, a habit she did whenever she was considering something, a habit which Benny found rather adorable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re staring.” Rose replied after a while and he shrugged nonchalantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am.” He wanted to pinch her chubby cheeks that were slowly being tinted with a shade of red but he was too nervous (His heart rate increased at an incredible rate so that meant he was nervous, right), feeling his own cheeks heat up. “Does that make you uncomfortable?” She shifted her position on the couch so she was facing him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you’re making me nervous so don’t do that.” She had a pout on her lips and Benny could only stupidly nod at her. There was a long moment of silence when they just gaped at each other before Rose finally spoke up. “You should make me as comfortable as possible so one day, we’ll end up together.” Benny didn’t know what her words exactly meant but he found himself nodding once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was five years later when his mind decided to replay the conversation in his head. It was only then that he realized what ‘ending up together’ meant. His twelve year old self could not help blushing but there was no way he’s going to bring up that conversation with Rose ever again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--------------------------</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>1959.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Benny had already moved out of his family home and started living in some cheap basement apartment, which he got a really good deal with. It was nowhere as beautiful as his parent’s home but it was livable, considering that Benny was a simple guy. He only needed his chess boards and books and he would survive anywhere. He and Rose kept in touch. She would occasionally visit him or he would visit her in her house. She still lived with her parents at the time so whenever he would pay his own parents a visit, he would make sure to drop by her house too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realized that he had a stupid crush on his best friend but he was too busy playing in chess competitions to act upon it. In addition to this, he was not really sure if it was worth destroying a friendship that lasted more than a decade long for some unjustifiable romantic feelings. Still, a part of him still hoped that they would end up together. That small part was destroyed when Rose started dating someone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose was in a university while Benny did not even bother applying for one. Naturally, she met a lot of new people, which included her boyfriend, David, who was some basketball player in the university and who Benny pretended not to care about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s a great guy”, “a gentleman”, “really romantic”, among others were how Rose described him and Benny thought that he was no competition to the guy. He was none of those things. Unlike David, he wasn’t some star athlete of a university. Unlike David, he could not make Rose giddy just talking about him. Unlike David, all he got going for him was chess. So, whenever Rose would bring up the topic of her boyfriend, Benny would start playing chess in his mind to distract himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One night, Rose called his telephone while breaking down, saying that David broke up with her. Being the best friend that he was, he quickly rode the cab to her house.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rose,” He spoke softly as he slowly opened the door to her room. He found Rose on top of her bed, sobbing hard. He walked towards her and sat next to her on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Benny,” She managed to say in between sobs and she wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face on his chest. He was frozen for a moment, guilt consuming him since he felt like he was taking advantage of her low point. Then, it occurred to him that she probably needed a hug so he set aside his own feelings and wrapped his arms around her tightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.” He whispered repeatedly. He was never great at comforting people but if he knew she would need the comfort one day, he would have practiced really hard at it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought he’s the one for me. I thought he loved me b-but look what he did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine. You’ll be fine.” He caressed her hair and he felt her soften against his touch. Then, he found himself singing some shitty popular song that he knew was her favorite. Benny had never sung in his entire life so it was probably why Rose pulled away from the hug to stare at him, gaping. Tears were still flowing down her cheeks and he wiped it as he continued singing, gaze fixed on her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your voice is horrible.” She finally broke into a smile and he could not help but smile back, satisfied that he made her feel a bit better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The comforting kind of horrible, I hope”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s the kind of horrible where if you sing one more note, I’ll end our friendship, to be honest”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, ouch”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--------------------------</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>1963.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Benny was sitting in the middle of a busy restaurant as he waited for Rose to arrive. They agreed to have dinner that night as a kind of reunion celebration. They had not seen each other in almost two months since Benny had been busy with winning the national chess competition and showing up on interviews after that. He was in another state but they still kept calling each other. It was not as great as talking to her personally though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeting Rose was not his only plan for the night. He also planned to confess his feelings to her. He was nervous about ruining their friendship but at the same time, he wanted to make an effort to be something more to her. He swore that if she were to reciprocate his feelings, he would not let a day pass by without making her smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Benny” He looked up to meet the gaze of Rose, who was flashing him a wide grin. He could not help but smile. At the same time, he could feel his heart pounding really hard against his chest. He hated the nervousness that never thought of appearing during his chess games but thought of appearing during a casual dinner with his best friend. Well, it might be because he was planning to confess but he was planning to do it as casually as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, take a seat” He gestured to the chair across from him and the girl obliged, the grin not fading from her face. “I already ordered but if you want to order more food, we can. Why are you all like that - all smiles, I mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t I be excited to see my best friend?” She replied and he rolled his eyes playfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s too out of character for you.” This time, it was her turn to roll her eyes and she chuckled. Benny admired her laugh and the fact was about to slip out of his mouth when she spoke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, I’ll tell you the truth” She was fiddling with her fingers on top of the table as she talked. “So, there’s a guy at work who I really like...” The rest of her sentence faded away in Benny’s mind as he stared at the beautiful contented expression in his best friend’s face as she talked about this guy at work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He and I have a lot in common”, “an empath who easily gets along with everyone”, “romantic” were one of the many words she used to describe him. Rose worked as a PE professor in a university and the guy she was talking about, whose name was John, was a chemistry professor and someone who Benny could not compete with. Unlike John, he didn’t go to college and graduated with high honors. Unlike John, he didn’t have a stable job that had its own benefits. Unlike John, he wasn’t liked by Rose that way. So, Benny just smiled and supported his best friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He sounds like a great guy,” He found himself saying, his heart sinking with every word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He is!” She replied with sparkling eyes and a wide smile, oblivious to her best friend’s dilemma.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was two weeks later when Rose got together with John and despite feeling his heart break into tiny pieces, Benny managed to congratulate her. He had decided to move on. There was no point in holding unto his feelings for someone who would never feel the same way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had hook-ups after hook-ups. Still, he never got over it. He could not bring himself into a relationship knowing that he would never be attracted to anyone as much as he was attracted to his best friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>--------------------------</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>1969.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose was twenty-nine years old who lived alone in her one bedroom apartment and had a stable job as a physical education professor. Her friends would say that she was living a good life but she probably needed a partner to make it better. She had been single for half a decade now. Ever since she broke up with John due to incompatibility, she could not find anyone she actually liked. Well, she had one person she had always liked that way but she was certain he would never feel the same way. It was Benny. It had always been Benny. Rose was too much of a coward to ruin their friendship and Benny never really seemed interested in her anyway. If Benny would be interested in anyone, it would be with the recent world chess champion, Beth Harmon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She noticed that Benny would mention Beth a lot and he was probably doing it subconsciously. “She’s really good at chess” and “the best there is” were just a couple of compliments about Beth but Rose knew that it was way more than Benny would compliment other people. Unlike Beth, she was not a chess player and obviously not some world champion. Unlike Beth, she was not the best at her profession. Unlike Beth, she obviously did not have much in common with Benny - the two being chess child prodigies and all that. So, Rose would not dare compete.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benny accompanied Beth during the latter’s visit in New York. It was three whole weeks and Rose barely got the chance to meet him during that duration. She wished from the bottom of her heart that she was Beth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a few weeks after Beth’s New York visit when Benny finally found the time in his busy schedule to visit his best friend’s apartment. Rose was surprised to see him there without notice but before she could say anything, Benny made his way inside and put his hat down on the coffee table in the middle of the apartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing here?” She raised an eyebrow after she closed her apartment door behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Am I not welcomed?” He did not wait for her reply as he made his way to the kitchen. She sighed and followed him. “I’m going to cook dinner.” He announced with a grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you suck at cooking. I’ll let you stay if you let me cook and just eat like a good child.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You act as if you haven’t tasted my food. You managed to finish every food I cooked so far so you shouldn’t complain.” He opened her refrigerator, looking for ingredients and she crossed her arms across her chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I only ate the food you cooked because I had no choice. I have a choice to kick you out of the kitchen now so I will choose that.” As she was speaking, Benny was taking out the chicken meat from her refrigerator. He was about to open her cupboard but she held his wrist, pouting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trust me this once so will you please relax and let me cook?” He was smiling at her and her grip on his wrist loosened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least, let me help you. I can’t trust you with the kitchen alone.” She said, sighing in defeat. Benny’s smile turned into a grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, fine,” He rolled his eyes playfully as he brought out spices from the cupboard. “Look at us, arguing like an old married couple.” The statement made her feel weird - both giddy at the thought but guilty that she was happy about it. She shook it off. After all, it was just a joke. Thankfully, Benny didn’t notice the frown on her face since he was too busy rummaging her kitchen for ingredients.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Speaking of couples, don’t you plan to get into a relationship any time soon? You’re getting old.” She tried to speak as nonchalantly as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What a hypocrite. You’re also single.” There was a look of satisfaction on his face as he finally finished gathering the ingredients. From the flour and spices on the counter top, she figured that they were having fried chicken.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I don’t have anyone for me. I think you and that Beth girl will hit it off.” She observed his expression and he was frowning as he stared down at the ingredients.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing’s going on between me and that kid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You say that but you’re probably interested in her, right?” She tried to act as unaffected as possible even though the thought pricked her heart a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” He replied curtly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t deny it. I’m your best friend. You can tell me if you’re interested in anyone. She’s not so bad anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I said, I’m not interested in the kid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You keep calling her kid but you and I both know that she’s an adult. If it’s the age gap you’re worried about, you can--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Benny interrupted her. He finally walked towards her, trying to read her expression with furrowed eyebrows. Rose was leaning her back against the counter and Benny placed his hands on top of the counter on either side of her, trapping her in between his arms. She would feel butterflies in her stomach with their proximity but Benny was wearing a pissed expression which made her feel nervous instead. “I’m not interested in her that way. What’s up with you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just...” She trailed off as her gaze turned to the ground. Rose wasn’t sure what came over her, trying to push her best friend to a girl that was obviously so perfect, unlike her. “I just thought I’m being a nice friend by trying to support you if you like someone.” She looked up to see Benny’s expression softening, making her feel a little relieved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do like someone.” The relief was quickly replaced with a feeling similar to a stab in the chest. Rose tried to force a smile. She really did but tears were quick to form on the corner of her eyes. She could not even meet Benny’s gaze but his best friend just decided that it was a good gesture to put her chin in between his thumb and index finger and forced her to face him. “A-Are you crying?” There was confusion and concern in his tone that Rose could easily distinguish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I can’t.” She pressed her palms against his chest, pushing him away as tears started to fall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t what?” He asked, stepping back from her after she pushed him away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I...” She took a deep breath and wiped her tears before she spoke, her voice coming out louder than she intended. “I like you, okay?! I can’t bear the thought of you liking someone. I tried to get over it. I really did! But you and your stupid perfect self has decided to camp in my heart and stay there forever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was silence afterwards as she kept staring on the ground. She didn’t want to look at Benny. She probably ruined two decades of friendship because of her selfish feelings. She wiped her tears again before she finally got the courage to look up to meet the gaze of her best friend, who was gawking at her. She was about to look back down on the ground when Benny stepped towards her and trapped her in between his arms again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s you.” He muttered and if it weren’t for their close proximity, Rose wouldn’t have heard it. “I like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” She said almost automatically while she let his words sink into her mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the one I like,” He finally broke into a smile as he reached to cup her cheeks with his hands. “Stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” It was her turn to gawk at him and he could not help but chuckle. Rose had always liked his laugh and she liked the way that his chuckle bubbled into a full blown laughter as he kept on staring at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” He was grinning that she could not help but smile back. She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face against Benny’s chest. She felt him hug her back with one hand caressing her hair. “Stupid.” She chuckled at that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To say that she was ecstatic was an understatement. Benny Watts, her best friend who she had been pining for more than two decades, the perfect man who was addicted to chess, likes her for her. Nothing could beat that feeling.</span>
</p>
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